ALAN'S HUMOUR - jokes, funny stories & one-liners

I now include short clips and videos on this page to spread the load from other areas of the blog.

As with any collection of jokes, from random sources, you won't appreciate all of them but I hope sincerely that you'll occasionally find some good ones to make you chuckle.

Wisdom from an old person

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most seldom use it.

It’s not my age that bothers me but its side effects.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on rubbish bin day. 
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of .. it will be miscpelled and have very little, if any punctuation.
As I’ve got older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven’t got anything done today. I’ve spent the morning trying to open this stupid plastic bag in the greengrocer's store.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.

Trying to be the perfect gent, taking out his new girlfriend, this guy was out to impress, so he held the door open for her. 
All she could say was, 
"Would you please leave the door closed while I'm on the toilet."                                  
Don't feel obliged to read through lengthy jokes like this next one: -

     (.......but you'll miss out if you do!)                                                                                                      

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when he ran out of fuel. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a blatant error, he replied, "Monsieur, that was the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!)

Billy 'T'

Do you drink beer? Check this response out!

Settling up at the Last Supper

"G'mornin' Doc. Do you treat alcoholics?

"Yes, of course I do."
"Get your coat on then. I'm dying for a drink ... and I'm skint."

I once entered a weather pun competition.

I beat the raining champion.

 

   We've just got a new dog. We've called him Rolex, as he's a watchdog.

A drunk goes to court and the judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The alleged replies, "Nice one. Let's get started, Boss!"

            The doctor told Paddy McGuire that he only had two weeks to live.

Paddy said, "Oi'll have the last week in July and the first week in August."

Grandpa!