I've been abbreviating my 'Jokey' pages with one-liners but I have now decided to locate a few of them here, en masse. That way you'll know where to find them. You may need a couple up your sleeve at short notice, just as you're on your way out. It's the best way to get an audience on your wavelength. A boss or an acquaintance ... with a sense of humour! Good start to any day!
I'll group them according to a common theme, so if you're off to see your Health Professional you can bombard him with a couple of quickies. He'll be pleased to know that although you're not feeling well you are trying hard to remain cheerful!
There will be old ones; new ones; funny ones; stupid ones; 'random' ones but pick the bones out of them all. If you read four and only one gives you a chuckle, so be it. If you read four but you don't grin once, I feel sorry for you. Go and find an alternative means of killing time. If you read four and wet your pants laughing at them all, I wouldn't believe you. No collection of jokes is that effective! 😍
By all means, come back tomorrow but you will have heard them all before.
By all means, come back tomorrow but you will have heard them all before.
Many thanks, Geoff and rest assured that I am making no money from this exercise. Plagiarism is not a hobby of mine. Let me know, GT, when you find or create another decent source, to match this one!
Not many classics but you'll soon read them. Thanks again, Geoff
So, Round One!
So, Round One!
"Ding!" The bell's dung.
DOCTORS
Jim goes to see his Doc. He says, "Doc, do you treat alcoholics?"
"Yes, certainly."
"Good", says Jim. "Get your coat on. I'm skint!" 😋
"Yes, certainly."
"Good", says Jim. "Get your coat on. I'm skint!" 😋
"Well, Doc. What's wrong with me then?"
Doc: "It could be pneumo-bacterisilimicroscopioniasis, but it's hard to say."
Doc: "It could be pneumo-bacterisilimicroscopioniasis, but it's hard to say."
Doc: "You'll live to be seventy, Steve."
Steve: "I am seventy, Doc."
Doc: "What have I just told you?"
Doc: "I'm afraid I can't be certain what's wrong with you, Phil. It may well be to do with excessive drinking."
Doc: "What have I just told you?"
Doc: "I'm afraid I can't be certain what's wrong with you, Phil. It may well be to do with excessive drinking."
Phil: "In that case, Doc. I'll come back when you're sober."
Dermatologists frequently make rash statements.
Dermatologists frequently make rash statements.
Doc: "Ron. Do you drink to excess?"
Ron: "Yes, Doc. I'll drink to anything."
"Mrs. Adams, your cheque came back."
"Yes, So did my arthritis.
Ron: "Yes, Doc. I'll drink to anything."
"Mrs. Adams, your cheque came back."
"Yes, So did my arthritis.
Doc: Testing heart rate, with a stethoscope. "Big breaths, Wendy."
Wendy: "Yeth, Doctor, and I'm only thixteen."
"What?! You hadn't heard that one before? Where have you been for goodness sake?"
Wendy: "Yeth, Doctor, and I'm only thixteen."
"What?! You hadn't heard that one before? Where have you been for goodness sake?"
HAIR
Can bald people get hairline fractures?
Today I was taking the Mickey out of a guy with a ridiculous wig on. He had the last laugh and sentenced me to five years in prison.
Have you heard about the new shampoo for tramps. It's called 'Go and Wash'.
Have you heard about the new shampoo for tramps. It's called 'Go and Wash'.
Did you hear about the hair stylist who was fired for making waves?
My husband gave me a permanent wave and now I know he's gone for good.
A man said to his barber, "Please may I have a number two?"
He replied, "Yes but don't be long, as you're next and I've nearly finished with this gentleman." 😖
People think I'm bald but I just like a wide centre parting.
He replied, "Yes but don't be long, as you're next and I've nearly finished with this gentleman." 😖
People think I'm bald but I just like a wide centre parting.
I take my hat off to my barber. Then he can cut my hair.
"Well, can you think of any better ones?"
GADGETS AND INVENTIONS
When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.
But, the guy who invented the wheel wasn't that smart. He was the guy who invented the other three!
My best friend's Dad invented the zorb. He's rolling in it now!
Who would have thought that Velcro would catch on. It's nothing but a rip-off, if you ask me!
What's a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at once?
It's a four-loaf cleaver. 😄
It's a four-loaf cleaver. 😄
As soon as you think you know how one model works it becomes obsolete.
Heard of a towel? It's a wireless; battery-free, hand-operated hair-dryer. We have two in our bathroom.
Someone stole the plug off the jug at work today. I can see trouble brewing.
INSECTS
It's a pity Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes.
What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Finding half a maggot in an apple.
Finding half a maggot in an apple.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In arc-hives.
Butterflies aren't what they used to be.
This insect topped himself.
He quietly committed insecticide.
Even though ants are always working they still find time to go on picnics.
He quietly committed insecticide.
Even though ants are always working they still find time to go on picnics.
Where did the busy bee go to relieve himself?
To the BP station.
Two flies in a tea pot. Which one is pregnant?
The one up the spout. 😎
To the BP station.
Two flies in a tea pot. Which one is pregnant?
The one up the spout. 😎
RELIGION (With no disrespect.)
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye nearly killed him.
I was Christened by a vicar in a gorilla suit.
It was a blessing in disguise.
Popeye nearly killed him.
I was Christened by a vicar in a gorilla suit.
It was a blessing in disguise.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
I think the Pope could have made more of an effort on his last tour. He wore the same clothes every single day
Boil the hell out of it.
I think the Pope could have made more of an effort on his last tour. He wore the same clothes every single day
What about the church janitor, who was also the organist?
He had to watch his pews and keys. 😃
He had to watch his pews and keys. 😃
Who tracks down lost vicars?
The Bureau of Missing Parsons
The Bureau of Missing Parsons
When our church relocated, it had to have an organ transplant.
In Sunday School the teacher asked, "In your Bible drawing, who is that man in the aeroplane, wearing goggles?" One bright spark said, "That's Pontius, the pilot."
PETS
I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don't want him to fall asleep at the wheel.
A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp. The shopkeeper says, "We don't sell wasps, Sir."
"But, I'm sure you've got one in the window."
"But, I'm sure you've got one in the window."
Where did Quasimodo keep his pet rabbit?
In a hutch, back of Notre Dame.
In a hutch, back of Notre Dame.
I wanted a goldfish.
The shopkeeper said, "Would you like an aquarium?"
The shopkeeper said, "Would you like an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is, so long as it's healthy." 😉
For Sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheap.
Not going cheap.
Sign in another pet shop.
'Free, legless parrot. No perches necessary.'
What d'ya call a parrot wearing a raincoat?
Polyunsaturated.
Polyunsaturated.
I called the vet to complain about his excessive fees.
He put the phone down ... as quickly and humanely as possible.
He put the phone down ... as quickly and humanely as possible.
MOVIES
Our local cinema owner unfortunately passed away last night. His funeral is on Wednesday at 2.10; 4.30 and 6.55.
Did you hear about the guy that watched 'The Lord of the Rings' over and over and over again. It was just force of hobbit.
Why did E.T. have such big eyes? 😆
He saw the phone bill!
What is E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Because he's got little legs.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Where can you borrow a DVD of 'Jaws'?
From a loan shark.
From a loan shark.
Now pay attention, 007. This looks like an ordinary suitcase, but if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.
I watched a movie about a baby hen. It was a real chick flick.
CHINA
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No-one is tall enough to go on the big rides.
No-one is tall enough to go on the big rides.
What do people in China call their decent plates?
A man orders soup in a Chinese restaurant. When the waitress brings it the man is looking out of the window.
He says, "Looks like rain."
He says, "Looks like rain."
She says, "Yes, but it tastes like soup."
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant, so the manager decided to dim sum. 😑
Chopsticks are the main reason that the Chinese did not invent custard.
"Waiter! Please would you tell the manager that this chicken is rubbery."
"Thank you. He will be very pleased."
There is a new Chinese diet. You may eat whatever and however much you like but you only have one chop stick and ten minutes.
"Waiter! Please would you tell the manager that this chicken is rubbery."
"Thank you. He will be very pleased."
There is a new Chinese diet. You may eat whatever and however much you like but you only have one chop stick and ten minutes.
A friend of mine said he wanted to contact the Chinese Mafia. I said, "Triads?"
He said, "I hadn't thought of that."
He said, "I hadn't thought of that."
PARENTS
I read somewhere that twenty-six is too old to still be living with your parents. It was on a note in my bedroom.
My Dad accidentally gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes one morning. I was more than mad. I was foaming at the mouth. 😖
My Dad accidentally gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes one morning. I was more than mad. I was foaming at the mouth. 😖
My parents are in the iron and steel business. My Mum irons and Dad steals.
Young fella said to his Mum, "Can I go outside to watch the solar eclipse?
She said, OK, but don't stand too close.
She said, OK, but don't stand too close.
My Mum was a cultivated woman.
She was born in a greenhouse.
She was born in a greenhouse.
My mother always believed that labelling children was wrong, which caused chaos in the Maternity ward.
My Dad certainly made a name for himself. It was his alias whenever he went out to work.
Mum and Dad came up for the weekend. They live in my cellar.
RETIREMENT
Old halfbacks don't die: they just pass away.
Old cashiers don't die: they just check out.
Old gardeners don't die: they just go to pot ... and lose the plot. 😐
Old insurance agents don't die: it's against their policy.
Old sailors never die: they just get a little dingy.
Old Sparkies never die: they just lose contact.
Old dieticians never die: they just waist away.
Old dieticians never die: they just waist away.
Old mathematicians never die: they just go off on a tangent.
CATS
How do you know that your cat's just eaten a duckling?
It has that 'down-in-the-mouth' look.
"I like cats, too!"
Let's exchange recipes.
"Stop pulling the cat's tail!"
It has that 'down-in-the-mouth' look.
"I like cats, too!"
Let's exchange recipes.
"Stop pulling the cat's tail!"
"I'm not, Mum. I'm just holding it."
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking once you've found it! 😂
What did the cat do after eating cheese?
It waited by the mouse-hole with baited breath.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking once you've found it! 😂
What did the cat do after eating cheese?
It waited by the mouse-hole with baited breath.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
Cats took thousands of years to domesticate humans.
How do we know that cats are smarter than dogs?
You can't get eight cats to pull a sledge through snow.
How do we know that cats are smarter than dogs?
You can't get eight cats to pull a sledge through snow.
RESTAURANTS
I work as a waiter. The pay's not great but it puts food on the table.
There's a new restaurant down the road called 'Karma'.
It serves just desserts.
It serves just desserts.
Why should you avoid the Pelican Pizza?
The bill would be enormous.
The bill would be enormous.
"Waiter! I've tasted much fresher fish than this."
"Not in here, you haven't!"
What's worse than a fly in your soup?
"A fly in my soup."
"Not in here, you haven't!"
What's worse than a fly in your soup?
"A fly in my soup."
Last night I ordered an entire meal in French. Even the waiter was surprised.
"It was a Chinese restaurant." 😍
"It was a Chinese restaurant." 😍
"Waiter! This water is cloudy."
"No, Sir. The water is clear. I don't think the glass has ever been washed up".
"No, Sir. The water is clear. I don't think the glass has ever been washed up".
"Waiter! There's a dead fly in my wine glass."
"You specifically asked for something with a bit of body in it, Sir."
DIVORCE
Lawyer: "You want a divorce because your husband is careless about his appearance?"
"Yes. He hasn't shown up in eighteen months."
"Yes. He hasn't shown up in eighteen months."
My divorce has taught me that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a big financial loss.
My wife and I got re-married.
Our divorce didn't work out.
Our divorce didn't work out.
You say you're divorcing your husband for health reasons?
"Yes. I'm sick of him.
"Yes. I'm sick of him.
Friends of mine just got divorced. They split their property. She got the house and the garage and he got the shed at the bottom of the garden.
Divorce court judge: "Mr. Kelly. I've decided to give your wife $700 a week.
Mr. Kelly: "That's good of you, 'Your Honour'. I'll send her a bit whenever I can, too." 😀
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It causes you a lot of pain and after it's removed you found out that you didn't really need it anyway.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It causes you a lot of pain and after it's removed you found out that you didn't really need it anyway.
Lawyer: "Why do you want to divorce such a beautiful wife?"
"Look at my beautiful shoes. I'm the only one who knows how much they pinch me."
"Look at my beautiful shoes. I'm the only one who knows how much they pinch me."
SPORTS
I'm not too keen on tobogganing but I'd do it if pushed.
A kitchen knife raced one of the spoons. As predicted, it ended in a drawer.
"What's the toughest part of the Chinese marathon?"
"Hitting the wall."
I was asked if I would run the London Marathon for charity but I turned it down. I've never organised an event as big as that before.
Rugby is a game for gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.
To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian. 👵
T.V. Snooker Commentator: "Who will play the second shot of this frame?
Find out after the break.
I'm not as popular as I thought I was.
I've been put in goal for our local darts team.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Have you ever eaten Beaver Curry?
It's like a normal curry but a little Otter.
Last week I entered a competition and won a year's supply of Marmite ... one jar!
"Who was the leading ice-cream manufacturer in Biblical times?"
Have you ever eaten Beaver Curry?
It's like a normal curry but a little Otter.
Last week I entered a competition and won a year's supply of Marmite ... one jar!
"Who was the leading ice-cream manufacturer in Biblical times?"
"Walls of Jericho."
A man went into a butcher's shop and asked, "Do you keep dripping?"
"Yes, I do," said the butcher, "and it's very embarrassing." 😓
"Yes, I do," said the butcher, "and it's very embarrassing." 😓
Wife: "Darling, you left the fridge door open when you made supper last night. Now, everything's gone off. What am I supposed to do with all this damn food?"
Husband: "Calm down for a start, Love. I wouldn't make a meal out of it if I were you."
"I've just been offered eight legs of venison for eighty pounds. Do you reckon that's two deer?"
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
"What is the fastest cake in the world?"
"Scone!"
Husband: "Calm down for a start, Love. I wouldn't make a meal out of it if I were you."
"I've just been offered eight legs of venison for eighty pounds. Do you reckon that's two deer?"
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
"What is the fastest cake in the world?"
"Scone!"
LIFE
Monday is a terrible way to spend a seventh of your working life.
I've been told to live each day as though it was my last. No wonder I've never got any clean clothes!
The trouble with life is there's no background music, like in films.
What if the Hokey Cokey is what it's all about? 😕
Every time I find the meaning of life they change it.
You can't have everything in life. You'd have nowhere to put it all.
You know it's going to be a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Good news is life's way of keeping you off balance.
FARMING
The trouble with life is there's no background music, like in films.
What if the Hokey Cokey is what it's all about? 😕
Every time I find the meaning of life they change it.
You can't have everything in life. You'd have nowhere to put it all.
You know it's going to be a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Good news is life's way of keeping you off balance.
FARMING
"Why did the farmer plough his field with a steam roller?"
"He wanted to grow mashed potatoes." 😏
"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"
"Where's my tractor?"
"He wanted to grow mashed potatoes." 😏
"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"
"Where's my tractor?"
And, "What do you call a farmer who used to like tractors?"
"An ex-tractor fan!"
A wind farmer had two windmills on his farm. He knocked one down because he didn't think there was enough wind for two.
"What happened when the farmer tried to cross his goat with a lion?"
"He had to get a new goat."
"What's the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?"
"A dressmaker sews what she gathers."
My neighbouring farmer won an award recently because he was out standing in his field.
He also thought he had 196 head of cattle until he rounded them up, Then he had 200.
NUDITY
A large hole was found in a fence surrounding a nudist colony. Local police are looking into it.
"An ex-tractor fan!"
A wind farmer had two windmills on his farm. He knocked one down because he didn't think there was enough wind for two.
"What happened when the farmer tried to cross his goat with a lion?"
"He had to get a new goat."
"What's the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?"
"A dressmaker sews what she gathers."
My neighbouring farmer won an award recently because he was out standing in his field.
He also thought he had 196 head of cattle until he rounded them up, Then he had 200.
NUDITY
A large hole was found in a fence surrounding a nudist colony. Local police are looking into it.
"Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?"
"The one who can carry two cups of coffee and twelve ring doughnuts." 😉
Never play strip poker with a nudist. He has nothing to lose.
"The one who can carry two cups of coffee and twelve ring doughnuts." 😉
Never play strip poker with a nudist. He has nothing to lose.
Where does a nudist put his keys after he's locked his car?
Streakers beware. Your end is in sight.
"Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?"
"Yes, but he's going to stick it out for just one more year."
I have just received a text inviting me to the local nudist club. I may as well go as I haven't got anything on.
What sign did they put up at the nudist camp as the temperatures were cooling down?"
"Sorry. Clothed for Winter."
HOCKEY
"Why do hockey players have such big egos?"
"Because they can walk on water."
"Why do I think hockey is a great game?
Because I've been a dentist for twenty years, so far."
Ice hockey is figure-skating in a war zone.
Did you hear about the ice hockey team that drowned during Spring training?
Why doesn't the world's fattest man become a hockey goalie? 😃
In ice hockey you take a stick and hit either the puck or anyone who has touched the puck.
Did you hear about the man who went to watch a fight and a hockey game broke out?
Ice Hockey is the only 'sport' I know that has its own Coroner.
MATHS
"Did you hear about the man who is determined to count backwards all the way from a million? He told me he'll stop at nothing!"
Why did I divide 'sin' by 'tan'? Just 'cos'.
Ice Hockey is the only 'sport' I know that has its own Coroner.
MATHS
"Did you hear about the man who is determined to count backwards all the way from a million? He told me he'll stop at nothing!"
Why did I divide 'sin' by 'tan'? Just 'cos'.
Did you hear about the mathematician who turned off his heating so that he could be cold and calculating?
Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
There are ten types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't. 😕
I failed my maths exam so many times that I lost count.
If God had intended to use the Metric System, Jesus would only have had 10 disciples.
I failed my maths exam so many times that I lost count.
If God had intended to use the Metric System, Jesus would only have had 10 disciples.
"What do Mathematics teachers call retirement?"
"The Aftermath!"
"The Aftermath!"
MARRIAGE
What's the difference between being a lion tamer and being married?
A lion tamer only gets his head bitten off once.
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
Did you hear about the couple who got married in a book shop?
It was a novel experience.
A lion tamer only gets his head bitten off once.
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
Did you hear about the couple who got married in a book shop?
It was a novel experience.
"What happened to the couple that bought a water bed?'
"They drifted apart."
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no point in two people remembering the same thing!
"They drifted apart."
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no point in two people remembering the same thing!
Love is one long sweet dream and 'Marriage' is the alarm clock.
"What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?"
"After six months the new dog is still pleased to see you." 😖
"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?"
"A new dog only takes a month to train."
GOLFER AND HIS CADDIE
"After six months the new dog is still pleased to see you." 😖
"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?"
"A new dog only takes a month to train."
GOLFER AND HIS CADDIE
"Do you think I can get there with an eight iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually, I suppose."
"Look! I've just gone into that massive bunker. What club shall I use?"
Caddie: "Never mind the club. Just take plenty of food and water."
Caddie: "Eventually, I suppose."
"Look! I've just gone into that massive bunker. What club shall I use?"
Caddie: "Never mind the club. Just take plenty of food and water."
"That can't be my ball. It looks far too old."
Caddie: "Well, it's been a long time since we started!"
Caddie: "Well, it's been a long time since we started!"
"I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try Heaven now. You've moved enough Earth already."
Caddie: "Try Heaven now. You've moved enough Earth already."
"I wish you'd stop looking at your watch. It's distracting me."
Caddie: "It's not a watch. It's a compass."
"I'm going to drown myself in the lake when we reach the sixteenth hole."
Caddie: You'll never keep your head down long enough." 👴
Caddie: "It's not a watch. It's a compass."
"I'm going to drown myself in the lake when we reach the sixteenth hole."
Caddie: You'll never keep your head down long enough." 👴
"This is the worst golf course I've ever played on."
Caddie: "We left the golf course half-an-hour ago."
Caddie: "We left the golf course half-an-hour ago."
"You must be the worst caddie in the world."
Caddie: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Caddie: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."
LAZINESS
My missus said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave!"
I said, "You pack 'em."
I said, "You pack 'em."
I went to the supermarket with my wife and she called me lazy. I almost fell out of the trolley!
Job Interviewer: "How would you describe yourself in just five words?"
Job applicant: "Lazy."
"I'm a recovering Workaholic."
Some people are like blisters. They show up after the work is done.
Job Interviewer: "How would you describe yourself in just five words?"
Job applicant: "Lazy."
"I'm a recovering Workaholic."
Some people are like blisters. They show up after the work is done.
I'm struggling to finish my book. It's called, 'The A to N of Laziness'.
"What are you up to today, Love?"
"Nothing, my Dear."
"But you did that yesterday."
"I know but I haven't finished yet." 😀
I started with a lazy eye and it just spread from there.
"I know but I haven't finished yet." 😀
I started with a lazy eye and it just spread from there.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
I fell in love with my wife at second sight. The first time I met her I didn't know her father was a millionaire.
I fell in love with my wife at second sight. The first time I met her I didn't know her father was a millionaire.
I gave blood today. I know it's not a typical Valentine's gift but it was from the heart.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
Two octopuses fell in love. Wherever they went they walked arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm ...... in arm in arm ......
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine: he gets better with age. Next thing I knew she'd locked me in the cellar. 😎
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine: he gets better with age. Next thing I knew she'd locked me in the cellar. 😎
Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage the 'y' becomes silent.
My wife tells me I don't listen to her ... or something like that.
Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended
JUDGES
If a judge likes the sound of his own voice you can expect a lengthy sentence.
A judge said to his dentist, "Pull out my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth." (Yes, I like the good old ones, too!)
When the judge gave the young man a suspended sentence he thought he was going to be hung for dangerous driving!
Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended
JUDGES
If a judge likes the sound of his own voice you can expect a lengthy sentence.
A judge said to his dentist, "Pull out my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth." (Yes, I like the good old ones, too!)
When the judge gave the young man a suspended sentence he thought he was going to be hung for dangerous driving!
My mate's a judge. He reads out his sentences in rhyme because he believes in poetic justice. 😔
Sentenced to 15 years in prison an 80-year-old gentleman said to the judge, "I'll never live that long, M'Lord." The judge replied, "Well, just do the best you can!"
Why did the defendant have a bruise on his forehead?
Because the judge threw the book at him!
Judge to Defendant, "It's time you realised that crime doesn't pay, Young Man."
"I know but I quite like the hours, M'Lord!"
Judge: "You have been found not guilty of robbery and may leave this court without a blemish on your character."
Defendant: "Great, M'Lord. Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Because the judge threw the book at him!
Judge to Defendant, "It's time you realised that crime doesn't pay, Young Man."
"I know but I quite like the hours, M'Lord!"
Judge: "You have been found not guilty of robbery and may leave this court without a blemish on your character."
Defendant: "Great, M'Lord. Does that mean I can keep the money?"
PESSIMISM
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is 'Be Negative'
Remember, when one door closes another one slams in your face.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is 'Be Negative'
Remember, when one door closes another one slams in your face.
I went to the A.G.M. of the Society of Pessimists. I might have guessed that the room was half-empty!
Last week I forgot how to ride a bike. 😎
Last week I forgot how to ride a bike. 😎
I was destined to be unlucky. When I was three I had a rocking horse. It died.
I want to join the Pessimists' Club but they probably won't accept me.
When my ship comes in I'll probably be at the airport.
If I was given a pound for every time someone has called me a pessimist I probably still wouldn't have enough to buy what I'd like.
When my ship comes in I'll probably be at the airport.
If I was given a pound for every time someone has called me a pessimist I probably still wouldn't have enough to buy what I'd like.
MUSICIANS
"What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a set of bagpipes?"
"You can tune a Harley."
"You can tune a Harley."
I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing when playing the clarinet.
"How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?"
"Wi jammin'"
"How did the Wailers like their doughnuts?"
"Wi jammin' too. 😊
"Why was the piano invented?"
"So the musicians would have somewhere to put their beers."
"Why are harps like elderly parents?"
"Both are unforgiving and are hard to get in and out of cars."
"Wi jammin'"
"How did the Wailers like their doughnuts?"
"Wi jammin' too. 😊
"Why was the piano invented?"
"So the musicians would have somewhere to put their beers."
"Why are harps like elderly parents?"
"Both are unforgiving and are hard to get in and out of cars."
"How can you tell if a set of bagpipes is out of tune?"
"Someone is blowing into it."
"If you drop a set of bagpipes, a viola and a piano accordion off the top of a high building, which one hits the ground first?"
"Who cares?"
"Why did the modest member of the brass section get the sack?"
"Because he wouldn't blow his own trumpet."
PARTIES
"Why don't skeletons like parties?"
"Why don't skeletons like parties?"
"No body to dance with."
A guy went to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back.
"What have you two come as?"
He said, "I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."
A guy went to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back.
"What have you two come as?"
He said, "I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."
I didn't want to go to the '80s-themed' party but my best friend was Adamant.
I agree with the two-party system. One on Friday and another on Saturday! 😎
I hate being the only drunk at a party. It totally ruined my son's fifth birthday.
Neighbour: "Did you hear me pounding on the wall last night?"
Party Host: "Don't worry. We were making plenty of noise too!"
Party Host: "Don't worry. We were making plenty of noise too!"
You know the office party was a good one when your P45 arrives at home before you do!
I went to a fancy dress '80s' party as Boy George. Everyone else there was eighty years old and over.
I went to a fancy dress '80s' party as Boy George. Everyone else there was eighty years old and over.
I saw an article out of the corner of my eye. It was about peripheral vision.
I read in the paper that a man was lucky to be alive after being hit by a train. I reckon I'm luckier: I've never been hit by a train.
Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife? It was in the 'Currant Affairs' section.
I read about a guy who goes around stealing coffee from the poor. I don't know how he sleeps at night.
I read a story in the local rag. "Hundreds and Thousands to Join Strike Action. Choc Flakes, Rainbow Drops and Crushed Nuts have yet to make up their minds."
A newspaper producer was captured by cannibals and eaten by their leader. He therefore became 'The Editor-in-Chief'. 😄
A man read a newspaper ad.
"Dial Sexy."
So he phoned and a woman answered,
"Hello, Darling. 'Dyslexia' Help Line."
I called the local newspaper to place an 'ad.' but it was classified.
PERSONALITY
Some people say I'm superficial but that's just on the surface.
I'm the kind of guy who just doesn't take orders from anyone. That's probably why I lost my job as a waiter.
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
He's a balanced kind of guy, with a chip on each shoulder. 😄
I don't follow tradition and neither did my father or his father before him.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he's not allowed to talk to strangers.
I don't have an attitude: just a personality you can't handle.
I'm the kind of guy who just doesn't take orders from anyone. That's probably why I lost my job as a waiter.
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
He's a balanced kind of guy, with a chip on each shoulder. 😄
I don't follow tradition and neither did my father or his father before him.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he's not allowed to talk to strangers.
I don't have an attitude: just a personality you can't handle.
FUNERALS
I don't like going to funerals because I'm not a mourning person.
I've just been to a friend's funeral. He was killed by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral a voice from within yelled, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead!" The vicar shouted back, "Sorry but the paperwork's been done."
I saw half-a-dozen men wandering around a cemetery carrying a coffin and looking very confused. I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot!" 😅
Undertakers would be the last people to let you down.
How does a funeral director sign his correspondence?
"Yours, eventually."
In her will, my Grandma stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all her favourite possessions. When it happened, her cat was far from happy.
One of the world's leading chefs was cremated yesterday. The service lasted for thirty-five minutes on gas mark five.
It was a lovely service.
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral a voice from within yelled, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead!" The vicar shouted back, "Sorry but the paperwork's been done."
I saw half-a-dozen men wandering around a cemetery carrying a coffin and looking very confused. I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot!" 😅
Undertakers would be the last people to let you down.
How does a funeral director sign his correspondence?
"Yours, eventually."
In her will, my Grandma stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all her favourite possessions. When it happened, her cat was far from happy.
One of the world's leading chefs was cremated yesterday. The service lasted for thirty-five minutes on gas mark five.
FURNISHINGS
"My recliner and I" or "Me and my recliner"
"We go way back."
"My recliner and I" or "Me and my recliner"
"We go way back."
"Why is a sofa just like a roast dinner?"
"They're both full of stuffing."
A man went into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?" 😕
I bought a bureau at a local antique shop last week. When I opened it several people fell out.
"They're both full of stuffing."
A man went into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?" 😕
I bought a bureau at a local antique shop last week. When I opened it several people fell out.
It was a missing persons' bureau.
Why are old people's chairs so cool?
Because they rock!
Antiques are pieces of bric-a-brac that one generation buys, the next generation disposes of and the following generation buys again, and so on.
Corduroy pillows have been making headlines for ages.
"What nationality is Mr. Sheen?"
"Polish."
Because they rock!
Antiques are pieces of bric-a-brac that one generation buys, the next generation disposes of and the following generation buys again, and so on.
Corduroy pillows have been making headlines for ages.
"What nationality is Mr. Sheen?"
"Polish."
MEMORY
I had amnesia once, Maybe twice or three times.
I woke up this morning and I'd forgotten which side the sun came up. Then it dawned on me!
Everyone has a photographic memory but I keep running out of film.
My wife has the worst memory. She never forgets anything!
Seen it all: Done it all. Can't remember much of it! 😔
I had amnesia once, Maybe twice or three times.
I woke up this morning and I'd forgotten which side the sun came up. Then it dawned on me!
Everyone has a photographic memory but I keep running out of film.
My wife has the worst memory. She never forgets anything!
Seen it all: Done it all. Can't remember much of it! 😔
Bill: "I lost my memory."
Ted: "When did that happen, Bill?"
Bill: "When did what happen, Fred?"
I have the memory of an elephant. I went to the zoo once and I distinctly remember seeing an elephant.
Phil: "I think I've got Mallzeimers disease, Frank."
Frank: "Why do you think that, Phil?"
Phil: "I always forget where I've parked the car!"
Ted: "When did that happen, Bill?"
Bill: "When did what happen, Fred?"
I have the memory of an elephant. I went to the zoo once and I distinctly remember seeing an elephant.
Phil: "I think I've got Mallzeimers disease, Frank."
Frank: "Why do you think that, Phil?"
Phil: "I always forget where I've parked the car!"
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